| | Dear friends and family, This is will be my last update on this website. I stopped updating the site b/c I was basically crucified for sharing about Marty's behavior and problems by several family members. So, I stopped. It was hard enough to do even the routine tasks, let alone the excruciating tasks that involved Marty and his care at the facility. I just couldn't be made to feel that what I was sharing was wrong. So, I will update this site for you to try and understand our lives alittle better. I'm not sure how much I'm going to share right now. I'm just typing. So, if you begin to read on and it's to upsetting for you, please stop reading. You may call me, but I will not "fight" with you. This site was and is not and has never been to hurt Marty or his family. I shared from my heart and shared the things I was having to deal with by myself to maybe help people understand more. And it seemed to be good for me to share, also. The last 3-4 months have been very turbulent for us, leaving us emotionally distraught at times. Marty continues to live at The Arbors in Delaware, Oh. I am not pleased with the care, but as usual I am not able to find another place any better that will except him. He has been dx with a combination of Borderline/Narcissism personality disorder with increased sensitivity. According to the Brain SPECT scan in June, the accident did cot cause this. He had been living with this for many years. He learned how to turn it on and off and was very good at it. But the increased sensitivity was the damaging part that caused the tremendous turmoil at home. He was extremely, overly sensitive to anything that didn't go his way or if he thought something at church wasn't what it should be, he would blame himself. Anything from a red light lasting longer than what he thought, to it raining and he wasn't able to mow. Anything, I mean anything. He wasn't able to put it aside or blow it off. And then he brought it home and that's where it became another personality. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive to me and the kids. Not so much Evan and Jordan, but the girls more so. My life was filled with trying to keep him happy and keep his behavior a secret, so that the churches wouldn't find out and maybe if I could keep him in a good mood he might not have the episodes, which could last anywhere from a few days to weeks. He wouldn't stay around the house as much after he had an episode, but would leave and tell me he might be back or he might not. The he would ignore me for a long period of time. The last time he had an episode and left like that, it was the Saturday before the accident. But he had been pretty much ignoring me since the Oct. before, only saying what he needed to say to me. But when we were out, he was great. I always knew he had difficulties, but never knew it was what it was. He would never see a dr. There was a female dr. in Markle that tried to convince him that he needed help, but he walked out the told her that he will never take a pill. He always justified his behavior. And those of you who are around him the last 8 months or so, know that he still justifies his behavior. His behavior now is what is was with me before the accident except behind closed doors. He could control it pretty well. Since the brain injury, he's not able to control it hardly at all. I thought when I brought him home last March, that God had given us both a second chance. Up to that point he was nice, loving, very gentle when he talked to me, even behind closed doors. Which is why I decided to bring him home and take care of him for the rest of our lives. Approx 1-2 weeks after I got him home, it was like a light bulb switched back on and he was like he was before the accident, but most of the time. He wasn't able to turn it on and off. The 4 months I had him home was the worst time of my life and of the kids. The girls were not even wanting to live at home. All things came to a head and I had no choice but to put him back into a facility. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Marie and Kate helped me and to this day they will tell you how horrible it was to see Marty like he was. I still have terrible guilty feelings about what I did, but there was no choice. He was going to destroy all of us if he continued to live at home. And from the very first day until today, his behavior is very difficult. Very often he screams and yells at staff, other residents and us. He gets very out of control. And continues to refuse treatment, help or anything to try and help him calm down. He verbally attacks me and the kids quite often. He makes it very hard sometimes for us to see him. It gets to be harder and harder bacause he usually ends the visit with yelling and screaming. We have had a very difficult 10 months, not even talking about the months before that. Many times I've been so distraught that I didn't think I could go on., but because our children look at me for guidance and strength, I continue to do the best I can with them. They are wonderful, beautiful children and I know we will be ok. We all see Christian licensed therapists. I know life will never be the same and I don't want it the same, but we will be strong and continue to do our best. It was after I placed him back in the facility that I started thinking about our living situation and how I could never let him move back home because of his behavior before the accident and after the accident. So, I filed for divorce in Oct. He has refused to sign the papers and I will have to refile and try again in a month or so. He doesn't want this, but my decision what not anything I took lightly. I had many people who gave me council, advice and opinion. And it wasn't always what I wanted to hear, but through prayer and knowing what the future held for Marty, I preceded with my plans. My goal by doing this was to protect the children from anymore abuse. They still have to deal with when we see him, but it's not in the house. Our house is finally peaceful and it's a feeling we rarely had before the accident. I will have peace in my house. I want my children to want to live in my home and to be happy and healthy. I have a wonderful relationship with all 4 of them. They keep me going when there's no one else around. They hug me and tell me how proud they are of me. That's worth everything to me. I have not nor am I seeing anyone else. I did not have an affair with Scott, the minister at MCC. It was not me. And for those of you that without even knowing anything about the situation proclaimed to people that It must have been Julie having the affair, shame on you. Esp. my church family. That hurt me greatly. You'll never know how much. All the years Marty was treating me so poorly, I never strayed from him. I loved him dearly. I still do. I never thought about leaving him before the accident. This was just my life. So, again, I am not seeing anyone or do I have plans to see anyone. I have been out with a friend with the kids, but only as friends. Nothing else. Please do not condemn me. I will see this horrible situation through the right way, the only way. Please no more gossip about me. It hurts my children so deeply. They see me everyday and know my lifestyle. They are very protective of me. My divorce has nothing to do with anyone else, but me and Marty. I have not shared everything, if can you believe it, there's even more that has happened that is more private and involves others. I will protect them, because I love them deeply. My divorce is Biblically based. No more said about it. Don't try and speculate. If I wanted everyone to know, I would tell. Just know that I continue to love Marty, try and take care of him when he allows and will always be here for him if he wants. My goal for him is to have him be able to live outside the facility with help. I had a house ready to rent for him. I was still trying to find the $$$, and I believe I would have, but Marty keeps trying to hurt himself in the facility and makes very bad choices. I'm afraid he would hurt himself if he were in a home right now. But I will not give up on him. I never have given up. I will continue to work toward making his life better. He doesn't help himself, which makes it difficult. The mental illness controls him severely. It's sad to watch. I hate it. I want to take this last letter to thank special people in my life. This is hard because these people have carried me through so many valleys, and I really mean carry. I have no closure with my situation. It never ends, only really gets worse. That's hard to except. It's hard to hold your children night after night while they cry. Marie and Joby, you never gave up on us. I love you guys so much. Dave and Kim, you guys are always there for me. My kids really love you, too. Thanks for your commitment to our family. Kate, Stu and Josh-your love and friendship are always with me. You are dear friends to me!! Troy and Trudy, I thank you for never questioning me. You hated the situation, but you stood by me while I bawled. Jill, Jeff, Danielle, Brian, Kathy and Jimmy- I will always love you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this with me. Vicki and Mark-I long for your hugs!! Tracey Smith-she calls me just to tell me she loves me. We weren't close before the accident, but I would call her now if I needed anything. She 's a prayer warrior for me. I love her dearly!! Marty and I knew her and her husband, Kenny, through Buchanan, Mi. To my new friends, who have become family to me, from Creekview-Denene, Cindy, Beth, Molly, (and Rick), Karen, Pam and Chris. You girls have done more for me than you'll ever know. I love you dearly. Thanks for excepting me right from the beginning. You are all so special to me. Go New York!!! To Nancy Estus-we have so much in common, and you have been a rock for me. I look at you and know that I will make it. I look at your beautiful daughter and know my kids will make it. You've done a great job raising them. Thanks for being an awesome role model for me. Thank you for pushing me when I needed it. Thanks for letting my tag along when I had no one to go with. You are a godsend to me. To mom and my brother, Chris- you know I love you dearly. You are always there for me and Marty. Thank you for not turning your back on him. Mom, thanks for all the hours you stayed with Marty so I could be with the kids. To Zach-(Ashley's boyfriend), you are so dear to me. You are so good for my ash. I love you and love having you around. To Glen-(Ty's boyfriend), thank you for treating Ty with the utmost respect. That means the world to me. She needs someone who will always protect her and you do a great job. To Grace-you protect us like we are your family. Thank you for being there for me. Thanks for going to movies with me so I don't have to be myself. You know me very well. You are awesome!! And lastly, my children-You are the reason I make the choices I make. I do it for you. I want you to be proud of me. And I want to teach you good from the hard lessons I've had to learn. I love you all so much and will always do anything for you. You are truly a gift from God. Your dad and I are so very proud of you. You are growing up to be beautiful, godly adults. We love you so much. Please call my 937-243-2292 or email me, shecklerj@hotmail.com. I will always be very willing to talk to people. Please continue to pray for us and esp Marty. Please don't forget him. His phone #937-243-8815. Please ask me before you assume anything. Please don't gossip about my decisions. Again, I am not seeing anyone. Please respect our family. God Bless you all. Thank you for praying all these long months for us. It means so much. If you ever go through Marysville, please call. I love you all. Love, Julie |
